Psychological Effects

Discussing sexual health issues oftentimes makes people uncomfortable.

Many people who contract herpes have a positive experience when they discuss it with their partner. There is no guarantee that the partner will respond they way you’d like; but here are some ways that may help in discussion.

First, be encouraged that herpes doesn't have any bearings on you as a person. On a certain level, instances of infection are random. It is not related to intelligence, social habits, or financial status.

Also, keep in mind that herpes is very common. Research indicates that in some countries, up to one in five people have genital herpes although they may not experience symptoms.

Not many people know their unique value. And, a herpes diagnosis can make it more difficult to realize it. Most people harbor negative beliefs about herpes, which can make it difficult to believe that others will accept us. We must confront these beliefs and change our way of thinking. Once you accept your diagnosis, convincing others too will prove less difficult.

In order to recognize the negative beliefs you may have about herpes, write down any thoughts you have about the virus. Repeat this activity until you have discovered negative internalizations you have about the virus.

Next, take a moment to review the list you made and evaluate how many are scientific facts? In most instances, people find that, although these beliefs shape our outlook, they have no scientific basis.

Now, substitute each of your negative beliefs about genital herpes with a fact. For example, if one of your beliefs was: "No one would want to go out with me..." Substitute this statement with: "I am a wonderful, intelligent person ..."

You can change your belief system. When you feel depressed about your herpes, repeat one of the items from your positive substitutes. You become more confident in these statements the more you recite them.

It may take a while to get used to this way of thinking. But keep in mind, you can control of your thoughts. And, eventually, by substituting old negative beliefs with positive ones, you will frame a new outlook.

It is common to be worried about the chance of transmitting genital herpes but there are ways of reducing this chance and you can continue to enjoy a full and active sex life. If you are in a relationship, be honest with your partner. In most instances, they are supportive.

If you are single, it is best to bring up the subject of genital herpes (and other STDs) with potential sexual partners so that you can take appropriate measures to protect yourself (and your potential partner) from STDs.

HOW TO TELL PARTNERS AND FRIENDS

There is no fail-safe way to tell a partner you have genital herpes. The words and the method of delivery vary from person to person.

Psychologists have found that attitude can determine how a partner receives the news. According to research, expecting rejection increases the chances of receiving it.

Take pride in knowing that your decision to discuss your herpes benefits you as well as your partner.

What’s a general amount of time to know a person before discussing genital herpes? Any time before you engage in sexual intercourse is the best time to tell a person you have genital herpes. So, even if it’s the first date, if you think you may have sex with them, you should discuss it.

Of course, it's ideal to date a few times before discussing genital herpes. Allow the relationship to grow. It will be simpler if you are comfortable and trust one another.

Some moments are not good times to discuss herpes. Some of the worst times include the party scene, a romantic weekend, or after sex. Talking just prior to sex is a bad idea. Your partner could get upset at you for spoiling the moment. And your partner might wonder what other secrets you are harboring. Or worse, you may decide not to tell them because of your own raging hormones.

Discuss the issue when you are not 'in the mood' for sex, when you're feeling confident, and when you can pay full attention to the conversation.

Anywhere you feel safe and comfortable is a good place to talk about herpes. Some people turn off the television and phone, and discuss it over a quiet dinner at home. Some favor a more public location, like a restaurant, to give the partner the opportunity to leave or think things through at home.

Another place some people choose to tell potential partners is during a walk in the park. Some people chose chose this location because the open air can be calming.

Regardless of where you decide is the right setting, keep in mind that it can be an emotional experience, so plan accordingly.

Use the spur-of-the-moment approach. If you find yourself whispering, mumbling, or looking at the floor, pause and try to speak calmly and clearly. Make eye contact. Your delivery affects your message. If you are visibly upset, your partner will automatically be on guard.

Breaking the Ice

Here are a few non-threatening ways to prompt a conversation about genital herpes. They are not meant to be recited verbatim. Incorporate these statements into words that make you comfortable.

* "When a couple is as compatible as we are, we owe it to one another to be totally truthful. Let’s discuss our sexual pasts."

* "I really cherish our relationship, and I'm glad that we're becoming closer. Since we are becoming closer, we should discuss sex. Is now a good time for you?"

* "Since we are responsible people and health is a priority for us both, let's discuss safe sex practices."

* "I believe that I can trust you, so I want to discuss something very delicate. A while ago, I went to the doctor and had a positive genital herpes diagnosis."

• "I want to talk about something with you. Have you ever had a cold sore? I am curious because cold sores are caused by a type of virus. Herpes simplex virus. I have the virus but it infects my genital region, not my mouth."

Don’t be overemotional. This is not a confession or a lecture, just the exchanging of information. Avoid words with negative connotations like 'awful', 'disgusting', or 'incurable'. Which statement would you rather hear? "I have this horrible, incurable, STD, and you could catch it from me," Or: "I found out two years ago that I have herpes. Luckily it's both treatable and controllable. Let’s discuss what this means for our sexual relationship?"

It’s good practice to tell a friend, not your sexual partner, first. It builds up confidence and prepared you for the sort of questions you may be asked. And, the more you talk about it, the more comfortable you become.

Another way to become more confident about discussing herpes is to role-play with a friend whom you’ve already told. But, prepare for a variety of situations - not just the simple ones—only then will this method be effective.

Seek reasonable occasions to discuss the issue. This way it’s more natural, there's not time to become anxious, and you're not making it a bigger deal than it truly is. With increasing numbers of singles discussing 'safe sex' and AIDS, these occasions are pretty common. You might find that that your partner has also been worried about telling you. And given HSV stats, this is very likely. Individuals may require time to think about the discussion. Try providing pamphlets or other written information or referring them to a sexual health center to confirm what you've discussed.

Some individuals may react excessively, and some people won't. Considering the amount of individuals who have genital herpes, many people have discussed it before. Try to be flexible and understanding, no matter how your partner reacts. Keep in mind that you also needed time to become comfortable with your diagnosis.

Pessimism about genital herpes is usually the result of misinformation. In some instances negative reactions arise when the person fears that you're asking them to commit to a relationship, rather than merely informing them of the situation. If s/he decides not to pursue a relationship because you have herpes, it's best to find out before the relationship develops.

Some individuals respond negatively regardless of your approach. Others might emphasize the herpes rather than choosing to focus on the relationship. This is not a reflection on you. You are not responsible for how others respond. If your partner is unable to accept the facts, encourage him or her to speak with a medical professional. Or just walk away. The bottom line is, there are lots of people out there who are attracted to you for exactly who you are – whether or not you have genital herpes.

Most individuals respond positively. After all, you trust them enough to share a personal issue that you wouldn't share with most people.

So congratulate yourself. Regardless of how the relationship turns out, you have educated someone, correcting some of the myths about herpes that cause so much harm. You have taken away the barrier of silence that makes it so complicated for others to discuss the issue. And you have approached a complex issue in your life with guts and selflessness.

Acknowledgements:

This information has been realized in collaboration with the New Zealand Herpes Foundation (NZHF) and the American Social Health Association (ASHA).

SEX LIFE AFTER HERPES

If your sexual partner has genital herpes your support is very vital in helping him or her cope with this infection, which can directly influence your sexual experience as well. You may wish to accompany your infected partner on doctor’s visits to learn more about the virus.

As a result of the negative misconceptions associated with genital herpes, it has likely taken a lot of guts for your partner to tell you that he or she has genital herpes. Their decision to discuss such a personal issue with you shows that your partner cares and wants to ensure you’re safe from contraction.

Discussing genital herpes may strengthen your relationship and bring you closer together as a couple. Also, your support can aid in overcoming nervousness that your partner may be feel about their infection. If you have uncertainty about any aspect of the infection, seek further explanation from your partner or a doctor.

In the event that you cannot accept a relationship with a person infected with genital herpes, determine if you are simply using the diagnosis as an excuse to dissolve the relationship.

Following proper procedure, likelihood of contraction is greatly reduced. You do not have to abstain from sex.

The chance of contracting genital herpes the virus is reduced if latex condoms are used during sexual intercourse. Most people find condom use a very simple change to make. Couples should abstain from sex during herpes outbreaks, because chance of transmission is increased during this time. This period begins when your partner first experiences signs of an episode, until the sores have completely healed. Engaging in sex during an outbreak actually irritates outbreaks and makes them last longer.

Chance of transmission is greater if there are any breaks in the skin, for example, if you have thrush or small abrasions from sexual activity, often due to inadequate lubrication. It can help to use a lubricant exclusively for sexual intercourse and abstain from sex if you have thrush.

Sores that are located in other regions - like the buttocks and thighs - can be just as communicable just as those in the genital area, and contact with these areas should be avoided.

During other periods, there is still a slight chance of transmission, even when signs of an outbreak are absent. If you or your partner has a fever blister, it is recommended that you abstain from oral sex because the virus may be passed to the genital area.

Sharing cups, towels or bath water, and toilet seats are not ways genital herpes can be transmitted. Only skin to skin contact with the infected area need to be avoid. Normal activities like cuddling, sharing a bed, or kissing are safe.

People who have recurrences may re-evaluate some aspects of sexual intimacy. Perhaps, opting for non-genital sexual contact during outbreaks. Also, how and when to tell a sexual partner of your infection. Given society’s negative misconceptions about genital herpes, you should prepare yourself before approaching others about the topic. Typically, people are supportive when they learn of a partner’s herpes diagnosis and appreciate and respect you for being open and honest. People who decide not reveal their diagnosis deal with fear, guilt and secrecy—which may be more stressful than discussing the virus with a partner.

In some cases, the decision to not use condoms may be agreed upon in a relationship where both partners understand the risks.

Individuals who have many outbreaks, and whose sexual pattern is greatly changed, may choose antiviral therapy, which will reduce recurrences, allowing for a more normal sexual pattern.

Counseling and assistance for genital herpes-infected individuals is generally offered at local health departments. The American Social Health Association (ASHA) has a Herpes Resource Center. For information on its programs, send a self-addressed stamped envelope (SASE) to: P.O. Box 13827, Research Triangle Park, NC 27709. ASHA also has a herpes hotline, 919-361-8488 that takes calls Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. (EST).